Bring It On!

When Not To Make Martyrs

August 27th, 2006 | by Jersey McJones |

Okay, so the two kidnapped Fox reports were freed in Gaza today. That’s good. Apparently, all they had to do was say they converted to Islam to gain their freedom, even though the original demands of the kidnappers were far greater. So anyways, I’m trying to picture what happened here…

WHEN NOT TO MAKE MARTYRS a play by Jersey McJones

any resemblence to current events is purely coincidental

Starring: Ali and Hammad as the kidnappers & Shemp and Curly as the Fox reporters.

The scene - Ali and Hammad have Shemp and Curly in a basement room in Gaza. It’s day one.

Ali: Well, we’ve made our demands, American pigs. Free the Brothers or it’s doom for you two!

Curly: I’m from New Zealand.

Hammad: Shut up, New Zealand pig!

Shemp: You do realize that Fox Security will be looking for us? Bill O’Reilly himself could be on his way any minute.

Hammad: Bill who?

Ali whispers to Hammad: You know, Bill O’Lielly, that idiot with the big head?

Hammad: Oooh yeeeah! Eeeeew, Fox Security and Bill O’Lielly are comin’ for us… eeeeew… how scaaary!

Ali and Hammad laugh.

Shemp: Alright, alright. Well, since we’re stuck here, let’s at least be civil. Say, do you guys know what would be great for Palestine?

Ali and Hammad: What?

Shemp: Tax breaks.

Ali: Huh?

Hammad gives a blank stare.

Curly: Yeah - that’s right. What you guys need are some tax breaks on the upper brackets. That would spur development and jobs.

Hammad: Development and jobs! Everytime we “develop” something, Israel blows it up!

Shemp: Oh, here we go with the anti-semitism again!

Ali: Anti-semitism?! We’re more “semitic” than 90% of the Israeli population!

Hammad: That’s enough.

Hammad and Ali cold-cock the reporters to bed.

Day four…

Shemp and Curly are chatting - Hammad is guarding and listening in the room.

Shemp: When Reagan said “tear down that wall” boy did he tear it down, huh Curly?

Curly: You said it, Steve. He was the greatest president ever.

Shemp: Yeah. Good days. New Zealand could use a man like him.

Curly: Ya know, strangely enough, most New Zealanders don’t think so. Wierd, huh?

Shemp: Yeah, wierd.

Shemp: Still though, you can’t argue that his tax cuts and deregulation, strong rhetoric and peace through strenth, sure made America and the rest of the world a better place, right?

Curly: Yeah. He was a great, great man.

Hammad: That’s enough! You idiots!

It’s another cold-cocked bedtime.

Day 8…

Ali whispers to Hammad: No luck with the demands.

Hammad whispers to Ali: Nothing?

Ali: No. It seems that Fox reporters actually want to be martyrs.

Hammad: Now that’s irony.

Shemp: Well, any word yet?

Hammad: No.

Curly: Oh well, who’s up for a long discussion of Liberal Elitism and how it’s too blame for the current Middle East crisis?

Ali and Hammad: NO!

Shemp: Okay, how about we play a game of Monopoly?

Ali and Hammad: NO!

Hammad: Besides, you Fox reporters always win.

Ali whispers to Hammad: It’s strange. It’s like it’s in their blood or something.

Hammad whispers to Ali: I don’t know what would be worse to do to the American pig-dogs. Kill these idiots or send them back!

Ali and Hammad laugh.

Day 12…

Ali and Hammad are quietly playing Dominoes as Shemp and Curly chat.

Shemp: You know, if we just stay the course in Iraq, things will work out eventually.

Curly: Yeah. Freedom always prevails.

Shemp: If they only knew how much we cared for them and how much good we could do for them.

Curly: Yeah. A little Jesus would do them some good too.

Shemp: Yeah. Their poor, poor souls. Maybe, once the country is up and running, they’ll find a little Jesus.

Curly: Well, as long as they stick with the flat-tax, things should work out great. I wish we had a flat-tax.

Shemp: Yeah. I wish we did too.

Ali gets up.

Ali: Shut up! SHUT UP! You two idiots are driving me crazy!

Hammad: Do you even listen to yourselves? Flat-taxes, war, Jesus - my Allah! You’re like broken records. Bad, broken records. It’s like listening to Tiny Tim sing a Sean Hannity shpeil!

Shemp: You just don’t know the facts. Without tax cuts for the wealthy, who will invest in creating more wealth?

Curly: And without a flat-tax, you have no fairness - no balance!

Ali: Here we go again with the “fair and balanced.”

Hammad: I’ve been to Wahabe schools that were more “fair and balanced” than you two idiots.

Ali: I don’t know how much more of this I can take…

Cold-cock #12…

Day 14…

Shemp: So, you see, Curly, by devolving power back to the states and local governments, corruption and fraud were reduced to what we have today.

Curly: Fascinating. But what about the “Blue States.”

Shemp: Oh, they’re still cess-pools of liberal corruption.

Curly: You know, someday I think I’d like to settle down in Alabama.

Shemp: Great state.

Ali: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE IDIOTS!!!

Ali cocks his gun, but Hammad steps in and lowers it.

Hammad whispers to Ali: Do you really want to make martyrs out of these guys?

Ali sighs: You’re right. Okay, Shemp and Curly, put your hands on these Korans and repeat after me, “I love Allah.”

Shemp and Curly: Do we have to?

Ali whispers to Hammad: Can we just not and say they did?

Hammad sighs: Yeah, whatever.

Ali: Okay, you idiots, you’re free to go.

Shemp: What? No more cold-cocks?

Curly: Aren’t you going to shoot us?

Hammad: JUST GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, YOU MORONS!!! I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU!!! NO MORE REAGAN, NO MORE TAX CUTS, NO MORE DEREGULATION, NO MORE WAR, NO MORE JESUS!!! THAT’S E-NOUGH! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!

Shemp and Curly scramble outside and run away.

Ali: Next time, Hammad, could you at least try to get an ITN reporter?

The end.

JMJ

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