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Spinach Killing More Americans Each Year Than The Terrorists

September 19th, 2006 | by Ken Grandlund |

spinach
(The following Public Service Announcement has been approved by the President’s Council of Deflecting Your Attention From Our Illegal Activities and Immoral, Unscrupulous Governing Tactics By Highlighting Something That Can Actually Kill You And Hoping You’ll Forget What We Are Trying To Do Behind Closed Doors)

Popeye always told us that spinach was our friend. Obviously, Popeye worked for a foreign terorist organization. Deadly spinach has taken the life of at least one American and left hundreds sick and possibly dying in this latest outbreak which can only be called a terrorist strike against Americans by the leafy menace. What’s more, the shady green vegetable’s stealth attack has crippled the pre-packaged salad industry, causing untold economic damage to America’s agri-industrial complex, undermined consumer confidence in edible roughage, derailed the possibility of employment for many thousands of illegal crop harvesters, and made America focus on the fact that our own produce kills more American’s at home each year than Islamic militant terrorists. As many as 61 deaths per year can be blamed on the rogue E.Coli cells that are harbored in our seemingly innocent vegetable farms around the country.

It’s time that our elected officials stepped up to the plate in addressing this sleeper menace in our midst. Clearly, in the War on Terror, the spinaches have declared that they are not with us, and as such, we must use every tool in our arsenal to eradicate the menace from within.

In this time of great danger, I call on all Americans to put aside their partisan differences and unite in defense of this green menace. Let us bicker no more over minor differences. Let us waste no more time debating inconsequential matters like torture or domestic spying or the use of radiological munitions in foreign lands. Let us put aside minor problems like easily hackable voting machines and affordable health care. Once this awful leafy enemy has been vanquished, there will be plenty of time to resume our debates, but unless we defeat the horror that the Spinach Terror has brought upon us, none of those things will matter. In short America, it’s time to really focus on our true enemy.

In this time of great uncertainty, we must remember that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and that spinach, tough and crafty as it has proven to be, is not the only source of iron, potassium, or folic acid available to us. We can defeat this foe and still go on to lead healthy, safe, and productive lives. But we must stand strong. We must not waver. This is no laughing matter America.

[Really though, the E.Coli outbreak is no laughing matter. Unfortunately, President Bush cut FDA funding in 2006, leaving less money available for testing the safety of both imported and domestically produced foods, stocked the FDA with cronies who care more about corporate immunity than consumer safety, and presided over the most lax FDA enforcement era in some time. So while I am not claiming in any way, shape or form that Bush caused this E.Coli outbreak, his policies and practices surely haven't help alleviate these instances. In fact, they've made them all the more likely to occur. Just as with Katrina (which Bush also did not create) American's are bearing the ill effects of a president whose policies care more for corporate profit than for people's safety. And that, my friends, is the real danger facing America today.]

(partially inspired by The Unger Report on NPR, 9-18-06)

[tag]E.Coli, spinach, FDA, Bush, The+Unger+Report, food+safety[/tag]

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  1. 2 Responses to “Spinach Killing More Americans Each Year Than The Terrorists”

  2. By Paul Merda on Sep 19, 2006 | Reply

    I see why Conservatives say government doesn’t work, at least it doesn’t work when they’re in charge. 

  3. By Dusty on Sep 19, 2006 | Reply

    Well for this group of folks in the administration, its less government workers in the FDA, more outsourcing to their cronies on security issues..makes sense..to them.

     

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