Bring It On!

Putting the “Jesus Christ!” Back in Christmas

December 8th, 2006 | by Jersey McJones |

(Well, it looks like the “War on Christmas” will be making a comeback this year with the Dittoheads, O’Lielly gang, and Hackity Hannity crowd, so here’s my annual Season’s Greetings for ‘em!)

That’s right! I said it! Merry CHRISTMAS! Not “Happy Holidays,” not “Seasons Greetings,” no, it’s MERRY FRIGGIN’ CHRISTMAS, BABY!!!

I know many who say that us godless, commie, politically-correct, hyphenating liberals are waging a war on “Christ-in-Christmas,” but for all you poor little Christian victims of liberal oppression, for whom all your tax-exempt churches and your vast private properties are just not spacious enough for all your countless mangers, you proselytizers of primitive priory profundity, this one’s for you:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

For all you wealthy-born, war-profiteering, tax-cheating, class-warring, crooked/corporate politician-loving, Hummer-Driving, prepaid Yale-Mastering, unearned investment-leeching, natural resources-stealing, Mega-Church parishioners who have as much chance of entering Heaven as a camel through the eye of a needle:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

For all you boozed-up, working-poor, easily-baited, pro-life-as-long-as-it’s-in-the-womb-and-it’s-not-your-baby, selling the piles of guns you bought at gun shows to street gangsters who shoot cops with them and you tell the police “it was stolen but I forgot to report it:”

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

For all you Dixie Flag-waving “patriots” fighting to make burning the Stars ‘n Stripes illegal, Pro-Israel Christian Fundamentalists who want a new Temple so that Jesus will return - and all the Jews (and everyone else) will go to hell, multiple-divorcees complaining that gays are ruining marriage, Moral Majoritarians who make Desperate Housewives the most popular show in the Bible Belt:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

For all you Intelligent Design-propping, “when does life begin”-arguing, Holocaust/Racism-denying, token Uncle Tom-loving, namers of bills like the “Clear Skies Act,” proponents of cutting old-growth trees and calling it “forest fire prevention,” post-rationalizing, bait ‘n switch liars who just can’t come clean with what they really believe and why:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

For all you Minute Men, brave enough to face down poor immigrant laborers as they look for work – but not quite brave enough to deal with those who employ them, chicken hawk/draft dodgers who neither fight nor pay nor send family members nor call for a draft for any war they start, scapegoaters of the ACLU and Trial Attorneys and every other necessary profession to a healthy democracy because they are so easy to scapegoat:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

For all you who believe that aborting an embryo is akin to murder, but killing thousands of brown-skinned families is “collateral damage,” that shooting little furry animals with bows and arrows is humane naturalism, that execution by the government is trustworthy justice, that accumulation of enough WMD to destroy the world 50 times over is a necessary deterrent to foreign threats, that wiping out ever-mounting numbers of species of living things from the face of the Earth and polluting the environment is okay because the world is going to end any day now so it doesn’t matter anyway:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

For all you who invade a nation that had nothing to do with 9/11 so as to lure terrorists there to kill them, and in so doing, destroy one of the few secular, non-terrorist-producing states in the Middle East, leaving it ripe for civil war and terrorist-production, proving for once and for all that Radical Federalism and American Hegemony, Moral Theocracy, Universal Gun Ownership, and Privatization of vital public, and military, Utilities and Institutions, are a sure recipe for a failed state:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

And, finally… (drum-roll, please)

For all you who believe that it is more important to be “united” in a cause than to be right about it, to be the “winner” of the cause instead of understanding it, to have a “vision” of the cause rather than actually seeing it, to be “popular” in the cause better than thinking it through for yourself, to be EASY in the cause and not SACRIFICING for it…

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Enjoy your lump of coal.

(Oh, and enjoy the new Democrat majority in the Congress!)

JMJ

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