Bring It On!

Easter is a Time… of Vengeance!

April 8th, 2007 | by Jersey McJones |

(If you’re very religious and easily offended - DON’T READ THIS! And if you do, and you do get offended, just remember - CHRIST, IT’S JUST A FRIGGIN’ JOKE!)

An American-Christian Easter Tale

Sit, my children and hear this story
of the very first Easter and the Savior’s great Glory.
It’s not the tale that we hear so oft,
not of forgiveness and Holiest loft.
No, this is the truth of that fateful day
when Jesus rolled his stone away from that cave.

On the first Good Friday up on the Cross,
as our Savior’s life was slowly lost,
He turned to the thief on the cross to His left
and forgave his sins of greed and of theft.
And He told him of what was to come in two days,
And told him His killers would sure dearly pay.

The Savior passed up on that cross
and from Arimathea came Joseph for the corpse.
He and Nicodemus took him to the secret cave,
and wrapped Him in shroud with myrrh for his grave.
What’s little known about that night
was what else Joe and Nikko left at the site.

There was the Holy Machine Gun and Holy Grenades,
Holy Crossbow and the Holy Switchblade.
There was a list of the names of all who had crossed,
all who had cheated and lied to their boss.
And they rolled the great stone right into place,
and then went away, away to await.

On the first Easter Sunday the Savior of man
rolled off the stone and set out His plan.
He loaded the Machine Gun and the Bow with bolts
He put on the Blade and Holy Bullet Belts.
He tied His Holy Hankerchief around His Holy Brow
and began His Holy Mission, wholly unknown ’til now.

He came to His followers to show them He’d risen,
and to tell the world of the promise he’d given.
And throughout the Kingdom spread great fear and dread
as word had come that Jesus was undead.
And Pilate, Herod and Judas, they cried,
“It’s armed Jesus Zombie! Run for your lives!”

He hunted down Pilate and exploded his palace.
He tracked down Herod and and served him with malice.
He ran down Judas and set him on fire.
He had harsh words for Peter, and called him a liar.
And when He was done bid He well to His brethren,
on a beam of Holy light, He ascended to Heaven.

Now every Easter night that comes once a year,
Jesus rises somewhere there’s trouble and fear.
He walks on the Earth to send to them to Hell
the wicked and evil and the na’er-do-well.
So, remember my children to always do right,
or Jesus will come for you, one Easter Night.

JMJ

(And if you think that’s scary - check out the real Easter Bunny!)

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