Bring It On!

Steve Gets a Lecture from Homeland Security

April 28th, 2007 | by steve |

Dude… This just happened like a minute before I started typing. I was on my laptop commenting on here. I am sitting in an airport right now, waiting for a connection home. Big huge terminal that hardly has anyone in it. This old guy, like 75-80 was sitting across for me and he had to “go”. I mean, he just took off to the bathroom. I didn’t think anything of it.

All of a sudden here comes a “Bike Cop” er uh, a “Cop on a Bike”… whatever… He comes up… locks up his brakes and yells, “IS THIS YOUR BAG?!?!?! IS THIS YOUR BAG?!?!?”

Let me back up here. I may seem a bit slow on here, but I have this knack for biting wit. I mean I can say and think shit fast. Why? Because I am in sales…

So here I am, my moment… “No it’s not my bag… I don’t know who’s it is… This old guy was just there and this really fine looking lady was with him… I think they headed to the bathroom…”

I turned and pointed over to the bar where the bathroom was located.

“He’ll be back… He probably went for a tinkle..”

Cop: “Do you know what happened on 9/11?? Do you?? Do you??”

“Actually…” I said, “there is some speculation about what really happened over on You Tu–”

“NOT FUNNY SIR!!! NOT FUNNY SIR!!! Because of 9/11 we take bags left alone with serious precautions…”

“Look…, “I say..”It’s not like he was Arab or Muslim or whomever you normally target… It’s an old guy with a bag that had to take a leak!!!”

The cop got all serious and started rifling through the dude’s bag and he was doing some mic reports to his superiors. He found his border pass and radioed his leaders.

“9/11… It’s very serious, “he says angrily, “Very serious…”

I turned and saw the old guy coming with his eyes out of his head…

At that moment, I thought of one last shot….

“Yeah, but didn’t they use planes during 9/11?”

The cop glared at me like he was gonna hit me. So I go…”Hold on, let me finish my blog… then you can arrest me for being a smart ass.”

He proceeded to berate the old man telling him how serious 9/11 was and then he left.

I sat and opened up BIO and wrote this.

Cops are dicks!

  1. 14 Responses to “Steve Gets a Lecture from Homeland Security”

  2. By Dusty on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Sweet Jesus in a speedo..this was priceless steve :)

    But try being on the receiving end and the entire plane is waiting for you to get searched and all your luggage as well.Just because I had a one-way ticket to Bakersfrigginfield..a hotbed of terrorist activity I might add. :>P Or it could be all the protest marches where my pic is taken..I ain’t sure!

    Try popping off then. It’s probably the dumbest thing I have ever done..but I really have not seen to many old hippies without any carryon luggage charged as terrorists lately…and I too am a wicked smartass.

  3. By Jersey McJones on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Well, Dusty, there’s always Cat Stevens! ;)
    Great read, Steve!


  4. By Steve O on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Dude!!! That was too funny!!!

    I would of said, “yeah I know what happened on 9/11, it’s the day that the patriots rose up against their zoinist oppressors and smacked them in the nose.”

    That really should have gotten him going :-)

  5. By steve on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    I mean, shit… now that I am awake after flying 6 hours to get home last night… let’s recap what happened after this. They paged the guy 10 minutes later to go to a “white courtesy phone” and the dude never came back! I’d like to know the rest of that story.

    Fly as often as I do and you start to recognize patterns. They’ll wig out on a pair of sunglasses left at security. They’ll go crazy over an old lady with a bottle of shampoo.

    And that is okay… and yeah I see it. But why use 9/11 as the law by repeating it like I use the “F-Word” to make a freaking point?

    The funny part… I have laryngitis!! I sound like freaking Tom Waits when I raise my voice right now.

    I just fixed the typo in the title.

  6. By Craig R. Harmon on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Of course if the thing had exploded, the cop wouldn’t be quite such a prick now would he? Look at it from the cop’s point of view, for a moment. Yes, 9/11 used hijacked planes but hijacking planes is not nearly so easy as it was on 9/11 and another favorite terrorist technique is to arrive with a parcel or backpack sit for a while then, well, get up and walk away, leaving the package which, then, explodes. The cop may have been a prick in his lecture but he was doing his job watching out for packages without people near them and, frankly, he only had your word for it that it was an old man who had to go pee. In fact, you only had your assumption that he had to go pee. Maybe he was a disgruntled former airport worker with a grudge against the airlines. I mean, you never know.

    All he knew was that there was this lone package that might blow up at any moment and a smart-ass that didn’t seem to grasp the gravity of what might be the situation.

    Cut him, maybe, some slack.

  7. By steve on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply


    I totally see your point and you are right. However… Why would you start out by dropping 9/11 instead of the actually law? That’s like saying to a jaywalker, “Hey…do you remember what that old man did down at that Santa Monica fruit stand when he killed all those people in the street?” Perhaps a poor example but I think you see my point. I think a better question from the guy is… “Did you see who left this bag?” with a follow up, “Did you see where he went?” Instead it was “IS THIS YOUR BAG?” When I was clearly 15 feet across the aisle from it.

    I mean, I can’t stand authoritative people! (Democrats :) ) My first inclination is to always rebel when a cop plays “cop” somewhere. The guy was old who left the bag. I really wanted to give the benefit that the guy just had to go pee and sorry it won’t happen again. Education is better than over enforcement.

  8. By Dusty on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Well steve..BushCo keeps invoking 9/11 at every perhaps it’s the mantra they are taught to use.

    Just this week Bush and Cheney both invoked 9/11 when talking about Iraq..

  9. By Craig R. Harmon on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply


    Yeh, absolutely. The cop could have handled it better. I’m just saying that one never knows how one will react in a potentially lethal situation. It’s entirely possible that the cop doesn’t really have the temperament for the job.

  10. By steve on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Agreed Craig…

    Dusty… Bush can invoke 9/11 but should a cop enforcing a law? It’s two different scopes and world views. The cop busts the chops of an old man at the airport and invokes 9/11. Bush bombs Afghanistan because of 9/11. Bush starts a war on terrorism because of 9/11. The cop is applying 9/11 to penal law.

    Maybe I am not the best judge at judging a lethal situation but if you saw it, you might have laughed too. Quite a bit different than some idiot leaving their car at the front door or forgetting their bag at the security gate in Vegas, shutting the tram cars down.

  11. By ken grandlund on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    great story Steve- and frankly, I’m with you on this one- the cop handled this badly and probably caused other passengers more concern than necessary by being so over-powering.

    but then again, police-states get like that…

  12. By Dusty on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Steve, when BushCo is talking about Iraq..he has NO business invoking 9/ has nothing to do with the other.

    The guys they hire for these jobs aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer..I think that point should be considered as well. They get a little power and it rushes to their noggins.

  13. By steve on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    “9/ has nothing to do with the other.”

    Yeah and Mrs. Clinton was completely shocked when Bill admitted Monica.

    “The guys they hire for these jobs aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer..”

    Dusty, I don’t mean to bust you in the chops but, that was sort of mean. You aren’t going John Kerry on us now are ya?

  14. By Dusty on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    jesus christ..get a that all you have is monica and bill for a comeback? sad.Iraq was not involved in any thing that has to do with the bombing on 9/11. Bush is a fucking moron if he thinks the majority of American’s still buy that bullshit.

    As for the security guys..they don’t pay them well, education in the field of security or law enforcement isn’t do the math steve.

  15. By steve on Apr 28, 2007 | Reply

    Dude… SFPD are some of the highest paid cops on the planet. Even a bike cop is pulling down 65-85K in San Francisco!! As far as insulting their intelligence… how?

    I’ll be using the Monica and Bill comeback now as long as you use the 9/11 comeback.

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