Bring It On!

Last Two Iraqi Citizens Killed

June 18th, 2007 | by Omnipotent Poobah |

Baghdad - The last two surviving citizens in Iraq were killed today after a routine traffic accident spiraled into a religiously-charged exchange of missile fire.The two men - one Sunni and one Shia - crashed their taxis into one another as both vehicles failed to stop at the last operating traffic light in Iraq. Eye witnesses from a VIP entourage accompanying President Bush for a photo op, say that after the crash, both men lept from their damaged cars and began exchanging words with one another. As tensions mounted over who should accept responsibility for the accident, both men opened the trunks of their taxis and pulled out US-made Stinger missiles. The missiles apparently came from a huge stockpile the US supplied to Shia forces earlier in the war - and which many observers blame for the final collapse of the country.

Stinger Missiles Used

Because Stingers are usually air-to-ground missiles, both men had difficulty controlling the aim of their volleys and the missiles struck the last remaining minaret in Iraq. The missile explosions toppled the prayer tower onto the street crushing both men. A donkey standing near the scene was uninjured as it placidly grazed a pile of garbage left in the middle of the street by fleeing refugees.

In a surprising twist, a cruise missile launched from a US nuclear submarine in the Persian Gulf struck the rubble approximately seven minutes later. It further reduced the rubble of the mosque - and presumably the bodies under it - into a fine-grained debris mixed with flecks of glass formed by the huge explosions. Officials, requesting anonymity, said they expect an Army engineer batallion to return the debris to the US where President Bush plans to use it as part of the construction material for his planned Presidential library.

The VIP entourage accompanying the President rushed to the scene shortly after the dust settled. Lead by his handlers, President Bush climbed atop the mammoth pile of rubble. Senior press aides raised an American flag atop the mound of broken concrete as a backdrop for an abbreviated speech. The President used a megaphone, reminiscent of his triumphant speech at Ground Zero not long after the 9/11 tragedy.

Shades of 9/11

“I’m proud to say that America is triumphant today. Through the skill and grit of my anti-islamofascist policies, we have reached the final step in a long journey,” Bush said. “I’m sure that all Americans will join me today in honor of the thousands who died to reach this final solution. We should all be proud of this triumph of good ever evil. I told you all along we were going to win.”

“I’ve appointed Vice-President Cheney to chair a bipartisan committee to lead Iraq recovery efforts. Those efforts will focus on getting the Iraqi oil industry back on its feet and to repay the US for the freedom we so eagerly thrust upon them,” the President said. “I’m not taking any questions today. It would be wrong of me to turn this momentous event into a photo op and I have planning to do for our next battle with the terrorist thugs that threaten my agenda. With Iraq and North Korea subdued, New York is our newest member of the axis if evil.”

The President refused to respond to questions shouted by reporters covering the event about the bipartisan nature of the committee. An open microphone picked up the President commenting to his aides that the question was “embarrassing as hell” and he hoped they would “take care of that woman (asking the question) immediately.” The woman was identified as Helen Thomas, grande dame of the Washington press corps who mysteriously did not report back to the press airplane on time for departure last night.

The President hurriedly left the scene as aides explained that he was late for a gourmet dinner with Hamid Karzai. Unidentified officials speculate the talks with Karzai will address the growing Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan. Bush previously announced plans to conscript 130,000 new troops to supplement the 350,000 already stationed in the rubble of the vanquished Iraqi state. Of those troops, all but 16 will be tasked with guarding Karzai’s home in Kabul. The remaining 16 will be keeping a tight lid on the resurgent Taliban in the northern provinces, according to once source close to the war planning.


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  1. 3 Responses to “Last Two Iraqi Citizens Killed”

  2. By Tom Harper on Jun 18, 2007 | Reply

    Well, finally. Mission Accomplished! I knew all along this was a vital war for America and Freedom. Thank God nobody listened to those liberal crybabies who wanted the terrorists to win.

  3. By Joe Snitty on Jun 18, 2007 | Reply

    It’s about time. My only regret is that we were forced to use conventional weapons by them godless, America-hating liberal scum and their pansy restrictions on nuk-yoo-lur weapons. Think of all the needless suffering. Why do they hate our freedom?

  4. By ChosenOne on Jun 18, 2007 | Reply

    UHHHH!!!!

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