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America Suffers a Sexual Indiscretion Gap

May 7th, 2008 | by Omnipotent Poobah |

Nazi Sex

It’s no secret that America’s standing in the world is on the wane. Giblets George often wonders aloud why the rest of the world hates us so much while never sensing the irony that the man who stares back at him in slack-jawed wonderment from the mirror each morning is himself one of the biggest reasons. As easy as it is to blame George for all our ills, there’s at least one area where he’s strangely stayed out of trouble - political sex scandals.

It’s hard for even the most stout-stomached of us to imagine George in flagrante with anyone, least of all his fembot wife Pickles. They purportedly bumped bellies at least once to produce the First Twins - Jenna and Not Jenna - but I’d like to see some DNA tests before I really believe it. Yeah, many of their holy right wing zealot friends engage in an occasional slap and tickle, but sex in this White House seems strictly verboten.

Sure, Bubba Gump got BJs from an over-enthusiastic intern, but that was such a small indiscretion, the type of thing that happens at many companies on a regular - and much more tawdry - basis. True, the Kennedy’s shuttled enough women through the Lincoln Bedroom to qualify it as a stop on the Underground Railroad, but their choice of women (including Marilyn Monroe) was exquisite and so, quite understandable…well, except for Judith Exner. I never did see the attraction there.

A REAL Man: Warren G. Harding
The closest we’ve ever come to a president capable of engaging in spectacularly indiscreet and hilarious affairs was Warren G. Harding. The man never met a woman he didn’t want to schtup and was never at a loss for a conveniently classy closet in which to romance the ladies. From all accounts, the WH must have hundreds of closets just the right size for a zipless, or in his day, buttonhookless f*ck.

But even at his best, Warren lacked the sheer panache of the rest of the world. Britain, for example, can muster some seriously talented deviants. From the sex and intrigue of the Profumo affair to cross-dressers running around with feather dusters stuck up their bums, they are truly passionate about the scandalous life. Even though he’s not a politician, they can appreciate upper crusties like Briton Max Mosely, the head of the International Automobile Federation, who was recently caught playing a game of Naughty Maxy and the Lady Death Camp Guards.

On the other hand, the Italians have their cavalcade of porn stars and Berlusconi fake doggies lady cops as they’re writing parking tickets. The French have a softcore First Lady.

The Pantheon of the Perverse
The latest politician nominated for the Pantheon of the Perverse is Australian opposition leader Troy Buswell. His pieces de resistance including snapping the bra straps of women on his staff and, drumroll please, sniffing the chair of a female staffer. What’s next, a quick snog with a Wonga Wonga wallaby?

Clearly, America suffers a Sexual Indiscretion Gap. The rest of the world is leaving us behind and looks back only to laugh at our provincial, Clem Kadiddlehopper ways. As The World’s Sole Remaining SuperpowerTM, we may be able to nuke others until they glow, but they have the satisfaction of knowing their leaders are embarrassing horn dogs who can’t keep their schwanstukers in their pants, while ours are stupendously stupid dry-drunks with a penchant for working out their sexual frustrations by cutting brush around the cee-ment pond backta the ranch.

America, I beseech thee. Our national pride is at stake. Our next president must be a true innovator, someone who can dig deep, find their most repressed sexual fantasies, and be willing to strut them on the world stage like a Cher impersonator at the Miss Drag Queen competition. Bush the Elder might have hated broccoli, but we need someone who can love the stuff - really love it if you know what I mean. We need a first lady who moonlights for Kink.com (NSFW) and has a family dog with a huge a cat fetish. We need a president who is the polar opposite of John McCain. We need someone who doesn’t call his wife the “c-word” but a president who knows how to give a c-word a licking and keep on ticking.

We must not shrink from this challenge. We must harden our resolve and engorge ourselves ion patriotism. Unless Obama pledges to run a Mandingo club out of the WH basement or Hillary is willing to do a little granny porn on the side, we must find new leadership. If the two parties can’t find honestly twisted candidates, then I say it’s time to start a third party - a party with the morals of a goat and a taste for the nasty. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to throw my hat into the ring in order to service my country.

Now, hand me that vibrating flag pin and let’s get this campaign rockin’!


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  1. 2 Responses to “America Suffers a Sexual Indiscretion Gap”

  2. By Jet Netwal on May 7, 2008 | Reply

    Damn big of you to bend over like that for the country, OP. I hope you’re ticklish.

  3. By Omnipotent Poobah on May 7, 2008 | Reply

    Jet,
    It’s tough being a martyr.

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