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Florida in the Middle Ages

May 11th, 2008 | by Omnipotent Poobah |

Toothpick WizardWhat a backassward place America has become. More than half the people think the world is 10,000 years old and that dinosaurs roamed the Earth with the first humans. The other half can’t find their own country on a map or their own ass with a flashlight for that matter. One of the View ladies thinks the Earth might well be flat and I’m sure a good percentage of Americans believe in unicorns, leprechauns, and hobgoblins. I mean, why not? A Florida teacher was recently accused of wizardry and fired.

The wizardry he performed wasn’t even particularly amazing. There was no flax spun into gold. He wasn’t wearing a cape and pointy hat. There were no sparkling stars coming from a magic wand. Hell, he didn’t even say abra-frickin-cadabra. His wizardry consisted of a rookie slight-of-hand trick making a toothpick disappear. Truth be told, half the kids in Rushe Middle School could probably do the trick better that he, but that doesn’t matter when your mind is firmly stuck in the Middle Ages.

Soon after doing the trick, Jim Piculas got a call from the school’s supervisor of teachers who told him, “Jim, we have a huge issue. You can’t take any more assignments. You need to come in right away.”

In what world does a simple magic trick become a “huge issue”? Half the kids in the supe’s school probably can’t read and this nimrod is busy spending her time on not leaving children behind by way of black magic. I’m surprised the supervisor only fired Piculas. Her mindset suggests a good old fashioned witch ducking or stake-burning school fund-raiser might be more her style.

Sometimes it seems mankind is on a reverse evolutionary path and we’re at the nexus of cavemen playing with Dino and electing George Bush - twice! Each successive generation becomes exponentially stupider and stupider. Today we fire people for wizardry, can it be long until we believe monsters eat the moon each night or fire is a mystical element appearing out of nowhere? Some already believe our Boob-in-Chief is doing a fine job - and since he contributes immeasurably to populating the world with people afraid that a sixth grade teacher will make them disappear faster than an inmate at Gitmo - maybe they’re right.

Piculas is apparently worried that he’ll be unable to get future teaching jobs because his “conviction” on wizardry charges seems tantamount to sexual predation in the eyes of the Supreme Court of Asshats.

Sadly, that’s probably a valid fear.

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  1. One Response to “Florida in the Middle Ages”

  2. By rube cretin on May 11, 2008 | Reply


    interesting post. “The universe is doing its universe thing and we can assess whether we like it or not and it won’t care much, as far as I can tell.”

    Your post sort of relates to the utube angry white guy in one of the posts below talking about religion, including what it does to the children. Yes, we have our own special brand of the talliband, but we’ve always had them. Seems to be in our genes. My guess is if this teacher is a good one he will find other employment in a school where his lessons on how illusion really works will be understood
    and appreciated. You see when someone who is an allusionist complains about illusion, something absurd is going on, and that does not surprise me.

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