Bring It On!

Is Your Child Really A Pagan? Take The Test Here

June 17th, 2008 | by Daniel DiRito |
WiccanChicken.jpg

I just love Christian websites. They provide an abundance of inspiration…for tongue-in-cheek sarcasm. I think I hit the mother lode today. The following questionnaire is intended as a tool for parents to insure that their children haven’t become pagans or begun to stray from true Christian doctrine.

After all, Satan and his minions are constantly on the prowl for vulnerable and impressionable Christians. Should there be any doubt, one can simply take a look at all of the twisted and tortured Christian pastors and politicians who have been caught in compromising situations.

I’ve taken the opportunity to provide my own irreverent answers to these “important” questions. While my answers dramatically deviate from those provided on the site of origin, they might actually make you grin. Whether that makes you a pagan is open to debate.

Is Your Christian Child Really a Pagan?

20 Questions to Reveal the Truth

Many of today’s youth grow up in Christian churches, but are adopting very un-Christian beliefs. When we all stand before Him, will their names be found in the Lamb’s Book of Life? Maybe it’s time to re- check the status of your child’s faith by asking these basic Christian doctrinal questions. Answer yes or no.

1. Must a person believe in Jesus, and Him alone, to spend eternity with God?

Yes, and the lodging fees must be paid in advance…MASTER CARD, VISA, & DISCOVER are accepted.

2. Do Native Americans, witches, and Muslims pray to the same God as Christians?

No, they’ve chosen a false god in order to offend and annoy the crap out of the really, really holy people.

3. Do all people go to heaven to be with God after they die?

No, some people actually go to heaven for the free food and drinks.

4. Do good people who have done their best on earth go to heaven?

Only if they failed to RSVP to their invitation to the biggest and best afterlife bash - Satan’s Semi-Annual Sinners Soiree.

5. Can proud, practicing homosexuals be Christians?

While it’s possible, it will hurt your homo street cred and it will certainly result in an asterisk being placed on your gay card and in your homosexual registration file.

6. Can people who have committed serious sins be truly saved by Jesus?

Yes, but if you’re clever you may be able to avoid capture by the Jesus police and the subsequent mandatory enrollment in a rigorous reprogramming retreat.

7. Will there be a judgment for our sins after we die?

Yes, but I’ve heard that the devil offers pro-bono representation to minimize the penalties.

8. Was tolerance the greatest message of Jesus?

Yes, but that antiquated philosophy was soon replaced by a fire and brimstone message specifically designed to raise more cash.

9. Are homophobia, patriarchy and lack of reverence for the earth revealed to be sins in the Bible?

Absolutely not, God is a bigoted misogynist who owns a major share of all the leading carbon producing industries.

10. Is the Bible the Word of God?

It is now, but only because the original version, an epic opera, was destroyed in a massive fire started by a rival pagan musical troop.

11. Was Jesus present in the Old Testament?

He was, but he was dressed up as a woman who worked incognito at the Latin named precursor to Hooters - The AmplusPectus.

12. Will Christians make the world a great place before Jesus returns?

Yes, of course. After all they’ve hired all the best gay party planners, designers and interior decorators to spruce it up for his huge welcome back party.

13. Are all people the children of God?

Yes, but God doesn’t like to talk about his numerous sexual escapades.

14. Is the best way to encounter God meditating and repeating a certain spiritual phrase over and over?

It totally depends on the phrase. The use of “Take me now God” is strictly prohibited. The preferred phrase would be “Dude, I don’t have all day!”

15. Are Satan and demons real?

Yes, and they are rumored to be negotiating to form an evil alliance with fairies, witches, Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, unicorns, and stuffed animals.

16. Are all powerful, beautiful spiritual experiences from God?

Absolutely not, only those induced by naturally occurring hallucinogens are from God.

17. Can a true believer pray to Jesus or God in female form, such as a goddess?

Oh my Mary, of course not! Women were only created to allow for the virgin birth of Jesus…and to serve their slovenly men.

18. Should Christians participate in services for Allah?

Only those who have received the proper credentials to work undercover for the GBI (God’s Bureau of Investigation) may participate in such services. Protocol does require that they carry a rosary.

19. Would a true Christian believe in reincarnation?

Only if they have first mastered the art of exorcism and can prove that they are fluent in the speaking of tongues. Of course one can only be reincarnated as a human of the same gender since cross-gender reincarnation can result in harmful homosexual tendencies.

20. Did God create the world rather than it happening by chance?

That’s a tough question. What happened is that God was playing a game of chance (poker) with the devil and when he didn’t have the cash to pay up, Satan settled for the idea of God creating a devil’s playground for him to enjoy.

Cross-posted at Thought Theater

  1. 27 Responses to “Is Your Child Really A Pagan? Take The Test Here”

  2. By Matthew O'Keefe on Jun 17, 2008 | Reply

    Oh boy… This post will raise a few eyebrows… LOL!!!

    I’ll save you a seat next to me in hell.. ROFLMAO!

  3. By Paul Merda on Jun 17, 2008 | Reply

    LOL!!! Good one…

  4. By Jet Netwal on Jun 17, 2008 | Reply

    Man, I wondered why I was having such a time getting a decent party planner…

  5. By Lisa on Jun 17, 2008 | Reply

    My child is Muslim. She was forbidden to date or expose her ankles. My husband was forced to beat her when she disobeyed her religion.
    We chose her husband for her.Now she obeys him unless she wants to feel a back hand.
    This is our doctrine. Us ladies are not permitted to leave the house without a male escort either. One tme I did that and my husband threatened me with death. I sure learned by lesson to obey him from then on in.
    Oh and when he found out my son was gay he kicked him out of the house. We haven’t heard from him since because he fears his father has people looking for him.
    I live for my husband’s happiness and I pray when he dies he gets the 72 virgins he so deserves.

  6. By Jet Netwal on Jun 17, 2008 | Reply

    Sounds rough. Maybe you should ditch him and see if you can get lucky at Satan’s Semi-Annual Sinners Soiree!

  7. By Lisa on Jun 17, 2008 | Reply

    But I married him and my religion does not allow me to leave without suitable punishment.
    Besides this is my duty to my religion.

  8. By mr bigstuff on Jun 17, 2008 | Reply

    ain’t nothing like a good christian raisin and an eighth grade education.

  9. By Paul Merda on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Lisa,

    Aside from the whole suicide bombing thing, there isn’t any difference between fundamentalist christians and fundamentalist muslims… Both are extremely stupid.

  10. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Let’s see Paul I agree to a point but given the choice …well you get my drift,no? Not that I would take either just trying to show how the fears you have are a bit “extreme”.
    When was the last time you heard of a Christian father killing his daughter or having male relatives in a Christian home stone a female to death? Or having a gay relative jailed?

  11. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Speaking of. Her’e something brewing. Let’s se how you defend this.

    “OBAMA VOLUNTEERS ASKED SUPPORTERS IN HEADSCARFS TO MOVE OUT OF CAMERA SHOT… DEVELOPING… “

  12. By Jet Netwal on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Source?

  13. By Paul Merda on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    1) All I know is that hardcore christianity is as destructive to the minds of the youth as anything islam has to offer… Hell I almost want to argue that being dead is better than living in that sort of society.. In any case Lisa, this isn’t a muslim country and never will be a muslim country. I let them do their dumbshit over there. So basically I worry much more about the insanity called christianity than I do islam because it is agianst this scourge that i am forced to fight against. It is the scourge of christianity that keeps funding from stem-cell research that could help people immensely. It is the scourge of christianity that wants to keep homsexuals as 2nd class citizens. It is the scourge of christianity that would outlaw abortion forcing women to have babies they either don’t want or can’t afford.

    2)Why should I defend anything related to Obama? Have I once mentioned anything in support of him really?? I may have only because McCain is as scary as “W” and once again I am forced to vote for the least of the two evils…

  14. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0608/11168.html

  15. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    There’s the source and man if the McCain camp did this there would be hell to pay wouldn’t you agree? You know the media would be playing the racism angle because they do it when ther is no apparent racism present anyway.

  16. By Paul Merda on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Lisa,

    I read your link. It appears to me that because ignorant muslim haters are trying to smear Obama and call him a muslim (which obviously strikes fear into the hearts of people like you), he is attempting to dissociate himself from islam by not having them appear as his best buddies. That’s my take and considering the paranoia so much of our electorate has against all things islam, I can’t say I blame him…

  17. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Dont’ worry Paul the way we are heading the Muslim religion will be prevelant in the not do distant future.

  18. By Paul Merda on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Lisa,

    Have you seen any newscasts related to Obama these days?? At all? If you did you would see an obvious slant against hima s the Daily Show recently pointed out. I hear you right-wing nuts talking about the liberal media, but I just don;t see it, at all. In fact, it looks like almost every news channel is a shill for the GOP these days. They release McCains medical records and all of the talking heads talk about how healthy he is…there were 1200 pages in those records. Yet, is Obama a muslim, is he going to enslave the white race is all you hear on the “News” networks… Tripe, all of it tripe.

  19. By Jet Netwal on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    “This is of course not the policy of the campaign. It is offensive and counter to Obama’s commitment to bring Americans together and simply not the kind of campaign we run,” said Obama spokesman Bill Burton. “We sincerely apologize for the behavior of these volunteers.”

    While ultimately, the boss is responsible for the staff, (soemthing Bush doesn’t practice, BTW) to say that Obama actively made this decision to move these women is hardly accurate.

  20. By Paul Merda on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Lisa,

    I forget that there is no point in talking to you and people like you. You have left all rational and reasonable thinking behind long ago in favor of an idealogy that favors strict belief over evidence. You only want to beleive these ludicrous things, like the US becoming a muslim nation, what a joke. I see us going agnostic long before we turn to islam. That’s just one example of the ideological mindtrap you have immersed yourself into…

    Do yourself a favor and quit parroting the crap you read at the WorldNut Daily or see on Fox news and actually think for once, use that mind of yours (I assume there is one deep down inside that ideological trap you call a brain). It may be too late Lisa. I know, I know, it is soooo much easier when someone tells you what to think than if you actually try it for yourself. Good luck.

  21. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    haha,so if Bush’s camp did it he would be held accountable?
    I’m thinking this is going to similar to “Clinton did it” campaign.
    So Obama gets a free pass….again!

  22. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Paul I never said we would become a Muslim nation but we hav been making accomadations for them that wouldn’t be made for Christians.
    I actually said the Muslim religion will be prevelant. Don’t be twisting my word….again.

  23. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    You know Paul had that been McCain’s camp having Muslims moved from the camera view the whole country would know it by now and probably would have reached Al-Jezeera by now. And that wouldn’t be FOX’s doing.

  24. By Jersey McJones on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Lisa, what planet do you live on? Do you actually know any Muslims? Can you site a single “accomodation” made to Muslim Americans? Are you really so intensely insane as to believe that Islam is going to become “prevalent” in America? Do you even know any Americans???

    I’m sorry, kiddo, but you are seriously in need of psychiatric assistance.

    JMJ

  25. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Yes Jersey I know Muslims. Do you know any Christians?

  26. By Paul Merda on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Lisa,

    Perhaps you should choose your words more wisely…

    prev·a·lent –adjective
    1. widespread; of wide extent or occurrence; in general use or acceptance.
    2. having the superiority or ascendancy.
    3. Archaic. effectual or efficacious

  27. By Lisa on Jun 18, 2008 | Reply

    Okay Paul I have no comeback for that one.:)

  1. 1 Trackback(s)

  2. Jun 18, 2008: Bring It On! » Blog Archive » Baracknophobia - The Daily Show

Post a Comment

Fish.Travel