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McCain, Palin: Lay Preachers at Our Lady of the Asshats

September 9th, 2008 | by Omnipotent Poobah |

I was raised Methodist. Not one of those fire-breathing, tongue-speaking, snake-handling Methodists (although my grandparents were a bit loony that way). No, we were more suburban Methodists. We were sticklers for thou shalt not murder and solid behind the whole thou shalt not steal thing, but as far as the other eight commandments went we were flexible. We figured it wasn’t our business if you coveted your neighbor’s wife or had adultery. We figured that when you met God up close and personal he’d figure out if you had done enough good things to outweigh a little butt sex with the hottie next door.

Shut Up About ReligionI’ve also studied other religions. I’m no expert slinging the incense or doing a little nip/tuck with the mohel’s knife, but I do know my way around a bit of the Koran and Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva aren’t total strangers. However, all that study and innumerable church potlucks never convinced me there was a God. Being defrocked as an acolyte for accidentally setting fire to the alter didn’t do much to improve my status in the church either.

A Peevish, Capricious God
God always seemed peevish and capricious to me. How could he decide which football team to support when both prayed to be the winners? I found it hard to believe that a just God would allow someone to be lynched because of the color of their skin or endure hellish pain for no reason other than there’s a reason - “you’ll find out in the afterlife, nudge, nudge, wink, wink”. And when I saw some of the people who were supposedly his chosen spokesmen in the physical world, I realized he needed the help of a better PR consultant…stat. How could an entity who sees and knows all pick someone like Osama bin Laden as his chief videographer or let Pat Robertson claim to turn hurricanes away from or directly to any metro area that he believed was a little too close with the gays?

I’m mostly tolerant of the religious. I’m not a believer, but I understand that life is a dark ride and if believing in a supreme being get’s you through the rough patches, more power to you. I don’t care who, what, when, or where you want to worship and the only thing I expect in return is some respect for my decision not to. I don’t need to be told I’m going to hell, your religious texts make that confusingly but abundantly clear. I don’t need to be told that what I choose to do on my own time offends God. And I really don’t need to be told that it offends you, because I’m always careful to keep my disgusting behavior under wraps so if you know what I’m doing you’re ignoring the 11th Commandment - thou shalt not be a peeping Tom.

But what I really, really don’t need is for John McCain, Sarah Palin, or any of their ilk to wrap their metaphysics around my Constitution. McCain is so craven he claims to have switched allegiance from the Episcopals to the more conservatively palatable Baptists 20 years ago, but neglected to point it out until he was running for President. I’m sure he prayed his ass off in the Hanoi Hilton and was quite genuine about it too. But since he became a politico I’d wager he’s seen more Sunday football than Sunday sermons.

But Palin is the most worrisome of the pair. She seems to be the real deal. Don’t let those pesky ladyboys get married. And to hell with your rape lady, God wants one more child for his youth group. Covet thy neighbor’s wife, you’re outta here. Alaska is a holy sanctuary fully stocked with moose meat for when the rapture comes. She even thinks the Iraq War and oil pipelines are missions from God. It all sounds a little too Dan Akroyd in the Blues Brothers to me.

Compulsory 10 Commandment Wallpaper
McCain’s constant attempts to pander to the James Hobson crowd were embarrassing even for a panderer of his league, but it worked. He sewed up the evangelical Taliban vote by placing his lusty male lips far up Hobson’s male ass and then has the audacity to pick a running mate who thinks gay sex is sinful.

If there was any thought I’d vote for St. John the Belated Baptist or Sarah of Arc, let me disabuse you of it now. The are 1683 reasons I’d not vote for either of them - I even counted them twice to make sure - and this is only one. But, it’s an important one that even some presumably temple-going Republicans share. It’s the one that provides a connecting thread between such diverse subjects as whether Creationism is science, 10 percent of the population can be deprived of rights the other 90 percent have because sex is icky, or whether the government will make 10 Commandment wallpaper compulsory in every Federal Building in the nation.

I call on my fellow moderate God-fearing citizens to help toss these two chuckleheads out of the electoral temple like the J-Man ash-canned the money-changers. They may be fit lay preachers at Our Lady of the Asshats, but they aren’t qualified for the offices they seek. I don’t believe prayer helps, but it can’t hurt. So, please pray to whatever God you worship and ask that He, She, It, or They find better spokespeople for their holiness.

Please…for the love of God.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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  1. One Response to “McCain, Palin: Lay Preachers at Our Lady of the Asshats”

  2. By Liberal Jarhead on Sep 10, 2008 | Reply

    After training for, and then practicing, family therapy for some years, I was out running one day and ran past a church. Over the door was the message: “May your sacrifice and mine prove sufficient.” And it hit me.
    The God of organized religion is a massively dysfunctional, narcissistic, abusive parent.

    He demands that his children’s lives center around him and that they make sacrifices for him, rather than vice versa. So this god who can’t possibly lack anything a human being could have, demands that people living in desperate poverty turn over a major portion of what they do have so the god’s priests can live in luxury. Or else they (the poor folks) go to hell. That’s a protection racket, folks.

    Don’t get me going on that whole blood redemption thing with the crucifixion, because it makes absolutely no sense; it’s as if Dad is mad and someone’s got to pay, so one brother takes the beating so the other kids get left alone. And that’s supposed to make the situation okay? Oh, that’s right, Dad and the one getting abused are the same one, only they aren’t. So we have a case of multiple personalities or something going on.

    This father makes all kinds of arbitrary rules, many of which indicate that he’s got some truly weird fetishes, and demands that his children meet impossible standards, while he breaks promises to them on a routine basis, then when they fall short of meeting those impossible standards, he tells them they’re no good, and the only way they can be acceptable is if they promise to do everything he says, no matter what, from then on. To “test” them, he does outrageous things like torture Job, take Abraham right to the brink of murdering his own son, and so on. Meanwhile, of course, he is never accountable to them for anything he does and tells them they have no right to even question it.

    In some ways he’s more like a mafia godfather or a totalitarian dictator. Genocide is okay, sometimes even mandated, if it’s for the benefit of the tribe. Makes Tony Soprano look like Albert Schweitzer…

    I’ve dealt with a lot of parents who had an uncanny resemblance to this god. Most of them were alcoholics or addicts, many were mentally ill, some were also criminals. In all cases, if their children came away unscathed, they were lucky. They never benefited.

    People in every culture tend to create god whose behavior is very human and resembles that of the authority figures they’re used to, only on a bigger scale. Based on that fact, the authors of the bible must have come from some truly horrific childhoods. If only the first thing humanity had invented had been CPS, there might be no such thing as religion as we know it!

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