Bring It On!

George W. Bush’s Letter of Resignation

September 27th, 2008 | by Tom Harper |

In late October of 2000, Texas Governor George W. Bush (who was running for president at the time) wrote two letters. They were both addressed to the American People.

In his first letter, he praised the triumph of Good over Evil. We were about to invade Iraq (which nobody even knew at the time. We didn’t even know Iraq was a threat. Thank God for Republicans!). Liberals of course would fidget and whine like they always do whenever we start another war with a bunch of swarthy little shits. But Lo and Behold — We Won!!!

And because of our noble sacrifice, still another corner of the world was made safe for Freedom! (And quit asking how many corners the world has. You’re shaking my concentration!)

In his letter, he also spoke of changing the tone in Washington. If you’ll remember back to those feisty days of the late 1990s, Democrats and Republicans hated each other. Nobody had ever seen such fightin’ and bickerin’ in the Halls of Congress.

And when Dumbya was writing this letter, he had just zeroed in on some secret intelligence information warning about a deadly threat from a foreign enemy. He never told nobody about it (a turrist-loving librul was president at the time), but when he was about to be elected President, he duly warned the American People. And as we all remember, we were SAVED.

And this great Servant to the American People also wrote a second letter to The People at the same time. He promised his Fellow Americans what he would do if he was NOT successful. If, at the end of his one and only term in office, he had been unable to change the tone in Washington, if he had NOT protected us from a foreign invasion (September of 2001 had been the period everyone was speculating on for a possible attack), and if America’s economy had deteriorated to the point where we were turning into a third world country — his second prepared letter would say:

“Fellow Americans, my letter of resignation is effective as of the end of my one and only term of President of the United States, in January 2005. I made several promises to you, my friends, and I broke them. I failed. As you’ve all seen, I could fuck up a wetdream. And I am hereby resigning.”

Well, other than that Fuckin’ LIE little faux pas, how did Songbird do in the debate?

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