Bring It On!

Nostradumbass Announces 2009 Predictions

January 4th, 2009 | by Omnipotent Poobah |

At this time of the year you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone’s list. Worst things, best things, funniest, saddest, stupidest, breakthroughs, failures – yada, yada, yada. So because I’m a copycat if nothing else, here’s my list. Predictions for 2009:

• Barack Obama’s honeymoon period will be among the shortest in recent memory. By April, his starting poll numbers will drop by 18%.
• Within the first month of his administration, Obama will ask the Justice Department not to investigate or prosecute former Bush administration officials. However, he will stop short of an absolute pardon, leaving the door open to prosecution in the future.
• The economic collapse will get much worse before it gets better. Many additional large companies will collapse – and will not be bailed out because there is no money – several states will go bankrupt, and the global economy will go into a deep depression. Things will not improve in 2009.
• Lindsey Lohan will turn straight.
• Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Michelle Malkin will come out as a lesbian couple and form a conservative coalition called Dykes Against Democrats.
• ”Not Jenna” Bush will get married to a scion of an elite, liberal, east coast nouveau riche family and cut off relations with her family because of political differences.
• US troops, already over-extended by on-going combat in Afghanistan and Iraq, will deploy to Somalia in an effort to root out havens for terrorists and pirates that prey on shipping. At least one US warship will sustain heavy damage.
• As 2007 and 2008 presented several major Republican scandals, 2009 will be a year of democratic scandals.
• The open Minnesota senate seat will not be filled until December when Al Franken will be declared the winner.
• The advantage of Franken’s democratic seat is offset by Joe Liebermann officially announcing he has become a Republican.
• Liebermann will begin exploratory trips to Iowa and New Hampshire for a 2012 presidential bid, but will abandon the bid in December because governors in both states swears out restraining orders against him.
• While responding to a Keith Olbermann nomination for Worst Person in the World, Bill O’Reilly will have a stroke on air that leaves him mute. After learning of the event, Olbermann will nominate him again for Worst Person in the World for not tipping the EMTs that responded to the 911 call.
• Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter will join with Candace Gingrich to form a gay rights advocacy organization comprised of GLBT relatives of high-ranking politicians. They will overturn California’s Prop 8 in a battle that goes all the way to the SCOUTUS.
• Plans for a Bush presidential library will be canceled when a deal to raise funding through proceeds from his memoirs fails when no publisher can be convinced to sign a deal for the book.
• Enroute to a speaking engagement Germany will arrest Dick Cheney for war crimes. He will be convicted because he refuses to defend himself on the grounds that he is a freestanding Republic that isn’t a signer of the Geneva Accords. The Saudi royal family agrees to take him as part of an extradition agreement.
• Early in the year, it will be revealed that most of the Bush family’s wealth was lost in the Bernard Madoff scam. The family will be forced to sell off the Kennebunkport compound and the new Bush house in Houston.
• As a result of the loss, George W. Bush will sign a promotional deal with Frito Lay to promote a new line of “Presidential Pretzels”. The deal will be canceled before any ads air because focus group testing reveals that almost no one will buy them. Hush Puppy Shoes will score with a presidential ad campaign when they debut a line of casual comfort shoes with a picture of Bush on the sole.
• Sarah Palin will be committed to a mental institution.
• Federal legislation will be introduced to cap excessive CEO pay. Unfortunately, the unintended result is that many of the CEOs get a raise anyway by claiming the average $16 billion offered by failing companies is actually an “Attaboy Award” given by the companies to employees who best demonstrate the companies’ corporate behaviors and values.
• India will begin to sub-outsource their US outsourcing deals to Somalia to take advantage of the highly skilled labor pool and low expenses. Riots in Bangalore protest the practice.
• The Obama Administration will find the entire contents of Ft. Knox have been sent by a low-level Bush Administration holdover to a woman in Somalia named Mrs. Natty Bumpo that he met on the Internet.

I’m just a regular Nostradumbass, ain’t I?

Cross posted at: The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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