Bring It On!

The First Loon Award: Just Say No to Lettuce

June 12th, 2009 by Omnipotent Poobah

LSMFTCitation: Rep. Steve Buyer (R-Mars) and Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-Asshatistan) for their speeches on the House floor opposing new tobacco regulation.

In the interest of disclosure, I don’t generally favor the heavy regulation of vices in which the consequences are plain and well within the intelligence of your average pine log. My only exceptions are regulations that protect kids and small animals until they’re old enough to be stupid on their own or that allow ignorant asshats to pull their hats off and try to Krazy Glue them to mine.

For example, if you want to smoke like a Russian steel mill, help yourself. However, if you ignore the voluminous evidence of it’s ills, your heirs shouldn’t be able to sue the tobacco companies when you get cancer. Caveat emptor – or caveat emptyhead in this case.

You should also be free to follow a strict diet of lard sandwiches and Skittles, drink until your liver bleeds like a Cheney hunting companion, or smoke marijuana until there’s nary a brownie left on the planet. If you believe you’re entitled to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness“, then the reverse must also be true – “death, addiction, and the right to die a horrible death”.

Hey, it’s your call. Who am I to interfere?

So it’s not their opposition to the legislation that earns them this Loon Award, it’s the way in which they voiced their opposition.

From their speech:

“…Do you realize if you were to take…lettuce, dry it, and roll it, and smoke it? And you go ahead and you smoke your lettuce. Do you realize that you are going to end up with similar problems than if you were smoking tobacco? It’s not the nicotine that kills. It’s the smoke that kills.”

Their oratory on this subject was so soaring, so logical, so scientifically sound both award winners must have done their research based on another vegetable/fruit scourge of society…

Smoking banana peels.

Nominations Please: The Loon Awards will be a semi-regular affair, so if you have nominations drop me a line with a way to contact you for additional information.

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It’s the Republicans, In This Case, That Are The Perverts

June 11th, 2009 by Windspike

Just one question: What’s wrong with the republican mind to construe these jokes by Letterman in the perverted way that they did? Have a look at how the Palins go off their rocker here.

It seems to me that we should ask who actually are the perverts in this case – Letterman or the Palin’s who misconstrued the jokes as they did? My vote is the latter, not the former.

Late post update: 12 June 2009 – Any one buying Sarah Palin’s rebuttal:

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Health Insurance Industry: “Competition?!?!?!?!?!?? NOOOOO!!!!!!!”

June 9th, 2009 by Tom Harper

Our Free Market Conservatives have suddenly unlearned all of their favorite slogans from the last few decades. “Competition.” “Let the marketplace sort everything out.” “A private company will ALWAYS be more efficient than a bunch of bureaucrats who can’t get fired.”

OK then, let’s put these theories to the test. Let’s have a good old-fashioned rough-and-tumble marketplace competition: the ultra-powerful multi-billion-dollar health insurance industry versus those lazy inept government bureaucrats. Let’s give consumers a choice. Isn’t that how the “Free Market” is supposed to work?

HMOs can keep doing what they’re doing, and their only “competition” will be against a bunch of inefficient bumbling paper-shuffling bureaucrats. No contest. Piece of cake! Right???

Uh oh. That “thwoopft” sound you just heard was thousands of HMO executives pulling their heads in like a bunch of turtles. And now they’re all cowering in the fetal position.

If Obama’s health reform program includes a government-run insurance plan, the party’s over for HMOs. Gouging, denying coverage, dropping longtime customers like a hot potato as soon as they file a claim — up in smoke.

Of course they can’t word it that way — not in public anyway. So the health insurance industry has instructed their prostitutes in Congress to frame the issue. Spin the hell out of it. Hardworking dedicated entrepreneurs — the backbone of this great nation — will be driven out of business by our powergrabbing socialist government. They’ll have the rug pulled out from under them. The health insurance industry will be RUINED.

Grandpa Blueshield founded his company on a shoestring. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps, and after decades of backbreaking work, he turned his small family business into a great empire. And now his labor of love is about to be plundered and destroyed by faceless government bureaucrats.

Karen Ignagni, one of the health insurance industry’s most powerful lobbyists, claims that if a government-run insurance plan sets premiums “too low,” the private market will be “unable” to compete and they’ll go out of business. So what’s your point?

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley said: “The bottom line is that a government-run insurance program is the first step toward a national single-payer system.” And……….?????!?!?!?!?????

If a government-run health insurance plan sets premiums and payments “too low” and doesn’t yank the rug out from under its customers, the private health insurance industry will adapt. Either that or they’ll go under. That’s the “Free Market” in action.

FedEx and UPS haven’t been driven out of business by the Post Office. There are thousands of private schools that don’t seem to be jeopardized by our public school system.

If or when a government health insurance plan gets established, private insurance companies will adapt and compete and do whatever it takes to survive. Or they’ll go the way of the Dodo and the Passenger Pigeon.

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Who Gets More Hits, And What Does That Say About Us?

June 5th, 2009 by Windspike

Take a look at this video:

Now, watch this, if you haven’t already. Why do you suppose this first video is less popular (judged by number of hits)than the latter? What does this say about our society?

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Not A Speech That George Bush Could Have Delivered Effectively

June 4th, 2009 by Windspike

Very, very interesting.

What say you blogosphere?

Blog on friends. Blog on all.

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An Open Letter to Judge Sotomayor

June 4th, 2009 by Omnipotent Poobah

Dear Ms. Sotomayor,

Ms. Sotomayor – Sonia, if I may presume to call you that – former Speaker of the House, Mr. Newt Gingrich, may be stepping away from his claims that you are a racist, but I am afraid I cannot let you off the hook quite so easily. You see, I too – a middle aged, white male living in a castle with a stable of unicorns at my beck and call – know the sting of belonging an oppressed majority.

As a 12-year old paperboy I once went to the modest home of an African American family to collect on an account that was terribly in arrears. I was horrified when met at the door by a small child loudly chanting, “Kill whitey! Kill whitey! Kill whitey!” Of course, I was terribly upset by this breach of proper paperboy/customer etiquette and demanded to see no less than the man of the house.

“Young man,” I said indignantly. “I must insist you summon your father to repay his debt this very instant.” I believe his response was, “what-chew be talkin’ bout?” Even though I had studied Italian at the previous year’s Sorbonne Romance Languages Summer Camp, I was completely dumbfounded by this young man’s dialect.

But be that as it may, the child’s father did soon come to the door.

“Sir, I believe you to be seventy-five cents in arrears on your newspaper delivery payments and I’m afraid I must insist you repay your lawful debt immediately.”

Unlike – dare I say this – his boorish son, I found the man to be quite reasonable. He paid his account and added an extra dollar for letting his account go unpaid for two weeks during his vacation. I was so impressed with this man’s honesty that I refused the tip as a matter of cooperation between our noble races. However, despite the man’s embarrassed and profuse apologies, the child’s vicious chants disturbed me so greatly I have not completely recovered to this very day.

Sometimes hateful wounds run deep.

Ms. Sotomayor – sorry, Sonia – through sheer pluck I have luckily survived the intervening 42 years without further discrimination…until this week.

A recent study by a team of Brandeis economists found that white customers typically pay more – up to 10 cents per pound more – for fish simply because Caucasian negotiating skills are not quite so sharp as say, a recent immigrant from China.

I must tell you Sonia, this type of blatant discrimination against Caucasians is exactly the sort of thing I fear you are not equipped to handle as a Supreme Court justice. I fail to see how your background as a Latina prepares you to adequately pass judgment on reverse discrimination cases like these – especially since they were perpetrated by African Americans and possibly illegal Chinese Immigrants – both races to which you do not belong.

However, I believe myself to be a fair man. So, if you would perhaps be so kind as to volunteer any special qualifications in this regard at your confirmation hearing it would ease my mind – as well as the minds of the members of my country club – greatly. If your qualifications are exemplary, I would be delighted to support your nomination as a gesture of good faith in calming our nation’s racial troubles.

I’m quite sorry I felt the need to bring these dreadful episode up, but we must ensure equality for all races, even those of the privileged classes. After all, do we not all bleed as deeply as a Latina like yourself?

Warmest regards in equality,

Omnipotent Poobah, Esq., OBE

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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How Proposition 8 Hurts Families

June 3rd, 2009 by Windspike

I know this family personally. These two men have adopted this lovely girl. They love one another, and the fathers are raising their daughter in a fantastically positive environment. When these two men cannot marry, it hurts their family.

As to how these two men being married would hurt the institution of marriage or any one else’s straight marriage is beyond me. That I know and appreciate their example of a loving family, it is my firm belief that not only does their relationship do no harm to any one else, their commitment amplifies the strength of marriage all around.

Does proposition H8 hurt their family? Absolutely.

The vote of the majority should not be allowed to stand as it presents a tyranny over the minority. Simply because you can vote your “values” doesn’t make you right, or your position correct. It’s time to repeal Proposition H8.

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When Homophobes Get Outed

June 3rd, 2009 by Tom Harper

That’s right, yank those bigots out of the closet. Lift up that rock and let the sunlight bore in and wilt those hatemongers.

The Washington state legislature has passed (and the governor has signed) a law known as “Everything But Marriage.” It gives gay couples all of the rights and benefits enjoyed by married couples, but officially it isn’t marriage.

As soon as the law was passed, a “Christian” hate group reared its head, determined to overturn this Satanic law at the ballot box. Referendum 71 has until late July to get the required number of signatures to qualify for an initiative next November.

The “Everything But Marriage” law is now on hold until the late July deadline, if there aren’t enough signatures. If the petition does get enough signatures, then the law will be on hold until after the results of the November election.

And this is where the plot thickens: a gay rights group has created a website which will reveal the names of everybody who signed the petition to overturn Everything But Marriage.

Gotcha! Come on, time to come out blinking into the sunlight and show us who you are.

The website is called WhoSigned.org.

This is just too poetic. There’s a certain vindictive pleasure in seeing a small-minded bigot get yanked out of his hiding place and revealed to the world. Show your face, Redneck!

But is this right? What if the shoe was on the other foot?

I personally can’t think of any petition I’ve ever signed that I’m ashamed of and wouldn’t want anybody else to find out about. But still, this could be a slippery slope.

What say you?

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Murdering the Murderer

June 2nd, 2009 by Omnipotent Poobah

Terrorism is an ugly and vicious act, but on 9/11 the United States reacted as though terrorism were something new. Until then, we understood it only in the abstract. Terrorism happened somewhere else, somewhere not as mighty or as pious as us. Almost to a person, the country condemned that single act and vowed vengeance in the truest Old Testament sense of the word…and went right on believing that taking your shoes off before boarding a plane would keep us safe.

The pre-9/11 view of terrorism at arm’s length was a convenient fiction – something that allowed us to go about being carefree Americans who didn’t worry about loons box cutters killing us. But when things spiraled into reality, we empanelled commissions and allowed civil liberties to be abridged. We investigated, reorganized, and thought up grand schemes to keep ourselves safe. And, we did it all in the service of a War on Terror that by definition, can’t be “won” and that showed no recognition that terror could come as easily from down the block as from the mountains of Tora Bora.

Terrorism isn’t new. It’s been around for centuries. While we learned the hard way that it exists, we didn’t grasp that it often comes from within. Our domestic terrorists are just as vile and ugly. The only difference between foreigners crashing airplanes into big buildings and lunatic fringists killing doctors in their churches is the scale of the death and the flashiness of the explosions.

Murdering the Murderer
This past weekend there was another in a long line of cowardly terrorist acts – one from within. An anti-abortion zealot, Scott Roeder, killed Dr. George Tiller, a provider of late term abortions. While some anti-abortion organizations condemned the act outright, others stopped short, saying only that they didn’t condone the act. However, some anti-abortion organizations justified, even celebrated, the doctor’s murder because murdering the unborn is justification for murdering the “murderer”. If you think this last sentence is torturous, it accurately reflects the mind of someone who murders to stop murder.

Of course, it isn’t the only warped thinking that applies to acts of domestic terrorism. The same people who think it’s OK to murder adults resist anything that might prevent unwanted pregnancies to begin with. No condoms. No birth control. No sex education. They only offer the Bristol Palin plan – abstinence. It would seem that not doing anything to stop the pregnancies is aiding and abetting the “baby murders” they condemn at the hands of people like Dr. Tiller.

These domestic terrorists and their fellow travelers frequently carp about high crime rates and how their tax money is used to care for legions of unwanted kids. They see the money it takes to keep a mother and child afloat, especially when the child is handicapped, and say that’s mom’s problem, not theirs. To them, the only result of these unwanted births is for clearly incapable mothers to keep the babies – thereby ruining two lives – or put the child up for adoption. Yet, I don’t see many of these people clogging the adoption system to take on an abandoned 15-year old gang-members, or crack babies, or horribly deformed kids who need round the clock care to simply keep their heart beating.

Where’s the Indignation?
The other thing I don’t see is the same sense of indignation and determination to stop domestic terrorists. Apparently it’s OK to hunt down foreign terrorists – particularly Muslim ones – like the vermin they are, but let the vermin be homegrown and it’s OK to excuse it as the case of a single mad man, or worse yet, cheer because someone lies dead in the pew of their church.

My mother, sister, and grandmother were all schizophrenic, so I have more than a passing acquaintance with a sickness that robs people’s mind and replaces it with the world’s hardest walnut. You can’t approach psychotic people with logic, no matter how simple. They are as incapable of hearing it as you are of making them understand. Walnuts don’t think they just exist.

Unfortunately, there are the crazed among us who act with the logic of a walnut and are goaded by those with equally hard walnuts in their heads. Either way, Dr. Tiller is just as dead as the fetuses he aborted. Nothing has been accomplished and nothing has changed.

Except the trees just produce walnuts just as thick and just as deadly as the ones we already know.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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Burning Issue for the American Legion

June 1st, 2009 by Tom Harper

Right now we’re quagmired in two countries. Make that three if you count Pakistan. North Korea has the world on edge. We have tens of thousands of disabled and neglected soldiers and veterans.

With so much going on, guess what issue the American Legion is most worked up about. Right you are — a flag burning amendment.

[sigh]

How’s that for priorities?

Here’s a link to the American Legion Magazine. Most of their articles aren’t available online, including this one.

Here’s a link to part of the interview between the American Legion Magazine and Richard D. Parker, the Harvard Law professor who’s obsessed with amending the Constitution to “protect” the flag.

Nero fiddled while Rome burned.

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