Bring It On!

You’ll Always Have Buenos Aries

If only South Carolina’s Latin Lothario had taken an extra day writing bad poetry to his Latin lovebird, he might’ve been saved from the nail guns affixing his hide to the wall. Another 24 hours and the All Jacko, All the Time networks would’ve barely noticed he’d returned to speculation that he’d flown the coup for on the Appalachian Trail.

Another governor caught with his hypocritical donger outside his pants? That’s not news. Now a donger with freakishly bad plastic surgery, a drug habit, and test tube babies dangling out of windows? That’s news baby! The kind that would’ve allowed Mark Sanford to sneak in under the news radar if only he’d returned a day late.

Unfortunately, he had the bad luck of returning from Tangoland straight into the arms of reporters pestering him with questions about where the hell he’d gone walkabout for the past week. True to form, Sanford’s initial story – as crazy and entertainingly refreshing as it might’ve been – was only the first act in a protracted drip drop of misinformation and criticism.

First, many politicians and assorted guardians of the public morals took time out from schtupping their maids to condemn the poor love-struck bastard as a hypocrite who must resign to save the Republic.

He refused, and rightfully so.

Sanford and the PigsHe needn’t explain his behavior to the likes of Larry Craig nor David Vitter nor, omigod, Lindsey Graham. It’s a personal matter between him and a wife who’d already kicked his lying ass to the curb. If a person wants to conduct a pouting bi-hemispherical schoolboy love affair, who are we to condemn him?

But shortly after his rambling and impassioned mea culpa the usual messy baggage started to ooze out of his cover story.

It seems the affair wasn’t just that one time. And, maybe he had (or hadn’t) billed the state for his travel. Ducking his security force was a no-brainer as was his “liberation” of a state vehicle to get to the Atlanta airport. And perhaps that whole leaving the state without telling the Lt. Governor thing was, ahem, bad form.

He’s steadily resisted resignation, which is a sure bet to give the story Betty Grable legs. In the latest twist, armchair psychiatrists are Bill Fristing diagnoses of his mental health. A possible hormonal imbalance. Maybe obsessive compulsive disorder. Hell, the guy might even be a full-scale manic depressive, schizophrenic sociopath with anorexic tendencies!

Or maybe just as stupid as your average tree stump.

Mark as much as I hate to say this, being a hypocrite and having your onto the Governor’s Mansion lawn is the least of your worries. Now that people are actually paying attention, you’ll inevitably find yourself on the wrong side of an investigation that will provide a reason to rightly or wrongly oust you.

But there are real reasons to step aside. You showed incredibly bad judgment by leaving the USS South Carolina without a rudder and your world famous tete-a-tete is distracting your state in a time of trouble. Give the citizens a break, Lindsey Graham already serves them poorly enough without you adding palmetto wood to the fire.

In my mind, the affair actually made you – a man renowned for his standoffishness – more human. You were like a boy in love with your syrupy poetry and sexy hijinks.

But you did some insanely stupid things. And for those things – the things that actually affect the public – you’ve got to go. Besides, sitting in a love nest with your new lady friend has got to be miles better than arguing about tobacco tax policy with a legislator that still flies a confederate flag on his lawn.

Go on. Step aside and get on with your life. Let your wife and kids get on with thiers. Leave all the caterwauling behind.

But remember, you’ll always have Buenos Aries.

Cross Posted At The Omnipiotent Poobah Speaks!

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Prove Your Patriotism — Go To a Tea Party

Fireworks, barbecues, family gatherings — that’s all well and good. But Real Americans will show their True Grit by attending a Tea Party on July Fourth. They were such a smashing success last April — boy, did we show that commie in the White House a thing or three — let’s do it again.

As you probably know, the “Tea” in Tea Party stands for Taxed Enough Already. If you’re sick and tired of Big Government and Class Warfare, you WILL get out there on July Fourth and do some teabagging.

Government bureaucrats standing between you and your doctor, successful Americans paying higher taxes than the riffraff — Enough!

These tax-and-spend Democrats are ruining this great nation. If you’re longing for the huge budget surpluses we had during George W. Bush’s presidency, let everybody know. Ask yourself: what have you done for Big Business lately?

Find a tea party near you.

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How Come? July 1, 2009

How come Republicans think people should listen to their economic doom and gloom stories over the new Energy Bill? Didn’t they just have the worst job growth record since the Depression? Didn’t the economy have a complete melt-down under their wonderful reign? Didn’t the price of energy skyrocket under their leadership?

Suddenly we are supposed to believe that they are the experts at job creation and energy policy?

I think it’s time to change their emblem from an elephant to Chicken Little.

Posted in Politics | 24 Comments »

How Come?

How come it’s ok for private for Profit health insurers to raise rates annualy, but not OK to raise funding for Medicare?

Posted in Politics | 25 Comments »

The Looney Awards: Bachmann Time Travels to 1942

Citation: Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann linking the 2010 US census to Japanese internment camps.

The Looney AwardsSome would say awarding a Looney Award to Michele Bachmann is like kicking a quadriplegic whilst they’re down. I suppose there’s some truth to that, but she always makes it so damned easy.

Bachmann, once best known as a George W. Bush extreme groupie, regularly puts her foot firmly in mouth. Apparently, the Minnesota Moron has withstood one too many harsh winters and suffers from an advanced case of fear frostbite.

In April, Bachmann feared Obama-created re-education camps for the politically incorrect, saying, “I believe that there is a very strong chance that we will see that young people will be put into mandatory service. And the real concerns [sic] is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums.”

Given her savvy about politically incorrect statements she may be the first to go should it come to that. “You be da bitch Michele.”

This time around she thinks completing the census will reserve her an all expenses paid trip to a 1940’s era Japanese style internment camp. She plans to release nothing more than her address for this census and bravely risk a $5000, $100, or fill in the blank fine for her conservative courage. A fine that has never been levied as far as anyone can tell.

BatshitcrazyThis tragedy will befall the country because housing advocacy group ACORN will handle some of the data collection. Michele has an inordinate fear of ACORN, believing them responsible for losing the election for Norm Coleman and various other atrocities too numerous to mention.

In fairness, ACORN was investigated for voter registration fraud at the behest of Republicans, but only a single person was found guilty – not unlike the conviction of a GOP-lead business owner for similar misconduct. In fact, the state of Missouri had to pay ACORN for a failed suit against them.

Bachmann further embarrassed herself by claiming the Census Bureau will not count illegal aliens. Being somewhat of a stranger to facts, Bachmann might be forgiven for not knowing that right-wing news service CNS News quoted the acting director of the census as saying, “Our job is to count everyone that resides in the US – count them once. So, certainly that’s our goal to count every individual, every resident whether they’re documented, undocumented, whether they are citizens or non-citizens.

Ms. Bachmann, keep up the good work. With friends like you, the Republicans don’t need any enemies.

Posted in Current Affairs, Politics | 26 Comments »

Clarence Thomas: “Get Your Clothes Off, Bitch!”

Thank God the Supreme Court still has one — ONE!!! — purveyor of decency. You’d expect those leftwing pansies on the Court to fall for that liberal hogwash about “Constitutional rights.”

But what happened to Roberts, Alito, Scalia? They’ve turned into a bunch of pussy RINOs. They’re a DISGRACE to the Republican Party! Some filthy teenage drug addict has the “right” not to be strip-searched???

PSSSST — Clarence, didja get a good view? [wink]

In 2003, a 13-year-old girl was accused by her school of having possession of — brace yourself now — prescription-strength Ibuprofen. [gasp]

Vice Principal Kerry Wilson brought the girl into his office to search her backpack. No Ibuprofen was found. She was sent to a nurse’s office and ordered by the nurse and an administrative assistant to take off her shirt and pants. Then they told her to move her bra to the side and to stretch her underwear waistband, so they could get a gooooood look. Damn it, where’s she hiding those drugs?!?!?!?!?

Liberals and Pagans are all whining about this strip-search being “unconstitutional.” Fortunately, Clarence Thomas was having none of that. Our Last Bastion of Decency said:

“It was eminently reasonable to conclude the backpack was empty because Redding was secreting the pills in a place she thought no one would look. Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments. Nor will she be the last after today’s decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school.”

Now, without trying to alarm anybody needlessly — those Ibuprofen tablets are still at large. And let me close with this sobering statistic: 98% of all OxyContin addicts started off on Ibuprofen.

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Is It Time To Dredge Up The “Culture Of Corruption” Label For GOP Leadership Again?

Turns out the storied SC Governor (once favored to possibly run for President) seems to have used taxpayer funds for his trist

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admits he used taxpayer money to see his mistress in Argentina and plans to repay the cash.

Why any one has any faith in the GOP leadership at this point in the game is beyond me.

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This Whole Charade Is Just Another In A Long History of Republican Attacks On The Institution of Marriage

Well, the “liberal” media is having a field day with the SC Governor with wandering pants, who has been thinking with his little head instead of his big one for who knows how long.

Sample 1 –

On behalf of the people of Illinois and New York, I’d like to thank South Carolina for giving us Mark (“I’ve been unfaithful to my wife”) Sanford. Finally, a governor who’s weirder than Rod Blagojevich and less responsible than Eliot Spitzer.

Sample 2 -

The news that Senator John Ensign had had an affair with a former aide who was married to another former aide was fading. Polls showed some voter impatience with President Obama’s policies, if not with the president himself. And the Politico, the insidery Web site that is widely read in the capital’s political precincts, even featured an article exploring the possibility of a Republican Party comeback.

Then Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, a fiscal conservative seen by many Republicans as an attractive standard-bearer for the next presidential campaign, went missing. Worse, he returned.

Sample 3 –

But his confession and apology, in a rambling, nationally televised news conference, left other mysteries unsolved, like whether he had lied to his staff members as late as Monday about his whereabouts, whether the affair had definitively ended, whether he would resign from the governorship and whether he would even have acknowledged the affair had he not been met at the airport in Atlanta by a reporter upon his return.

Sample 4 –

Three and finally, while all the things above are all too true — at the same time we are in a hopelessly — or as you put it impossible — or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes (and yes this is true even if you did occasionally tantalize me with sexual details over the years!) — but it was all safe. Where we are is not. I have thought about it and in some ways feel I let you down in letting these complications come into a friendship that I hope will last till death. In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels know I have crossed lines I would have never imagined.

Well, if that just doesn’t sum it up, I don’t know what does. Even so, I’m still wondering where’s the moral outrage from those self-proclaimed “protectors” of “traditional” marriage? Where’s the multimillion dollar machine that works for legislation that prevents republicans who cheat on their wives from ever getting married again? Doesn’t Sanford’s transgressions warrant some kind of litigious response? Really, Proposition H8 supporters aught be up in arms over Sanford’s shenanigans.

Ah, but what can you expect from the party that brought you the following equations:

President gets a BJ in the oval office = Impeachment
Shoot friend in face = still love the Veep
Invade Iraq because of WMD = No WMD, but, shoot, we are spreading freedom
It’s not okay to blow yourself up in the name of a cause = It’s okay to waterboard your enemies

They now bring you the following –
It’s okay for to cheat on your wife = But I still vow to protect “traditional” marriage

Posted in Politics | 30 Comments »

The First Loon Award: Just Say No to Lettuce

Citation: Rep. Steve Buyer (R-Mars) and Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-Asshatistan) for their speeches on the House floor opposing new tobacco regulation.

In the interest of disclosure, I don’t generally favor the heavy regulation of vices in which the consequences are plain and well within the intelligence of your average pine log. My only exceptions are regulations that protect kids and small animals until they’re old enough to be stupid on their own or that allow ignorant asshats to pull their hats off and try to Krazy Glue them to mine.

For example, if you want to smoke like a Russian steel mill, help yourself. However, if you ignore the voluminous evidence of it’s ills, your heirs shouldn’t be able to sue the tobacco companies when you get cancer. Caveat emptor – or caveat emptyhead in this case.

You should also be free to follow a strict diet of lard sandwiches and Skittles, drink until your liver bleeds like a Cheney hunting companion, or smoke marijuana until there’s nary a brownie left on the planet. If you believe you’re entitled to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness“, then the reverse must also be true – “death, addiction, and the right to die a horrible death”.

Hey, it’s your call. Who am I to interfere?

So it’s not their opposition to the legislation that earns them this Loon Award, it’s the way in which they voiced their opposition.

From their speech:

“…Do you realize if you were to take…lettuce, dry it, and roll it, and smoke it? And you go ahead and you smoke your lettuce. Do you realize that you are going to end up with similar problems than if you were smoking tobacco? It’s not the nicotine that kills. It’s the smoke that kills.”

Their oratory on this subject was so soaring, so logical, so scientifically sound both award winners must have done their research based on another vegetable/fruit scourge of society…

Smoking banana peels.

Nominations Please: The Loon Awards will be a semi-regular affair, so if you have nominations drop me a line with a way to contact you for additional information.

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It’s the Republicans, In This Case, That Are The Perverts

Just one question: What’s wrong with the republican mind to construe these jokes by Letterman in the perverted way that they did? Have a look at how the Palins go off their rocker here.

It seems to me that we should ask who actually are the perverts in this case – Letterman or the Palin’s who misconstrued the jokes as they did? My vote is the latter, not the former.

Late post update: 12 June 2009 – Any one buying Sarah Palin’s rebuttal:

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